Cameron's Thoughts

I thought I'd share the songs I currently have on my workout playlist. I'm curious as to any suggestions people have to add to this.

J99 by Oxide And Neutrino
Get Your Body Beat by Combichrist
Stronger by Kanye West
Linchpin by Fear Factory
We Come Alive by BK
Sandstorm by Darude
Master Of Puppets by Metallica
Around The World / Harder Better Faster Stronger by Daft Punk
Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf

It's once again been quite some time since I've written a blog post. Much has taken place since my last posting. Today was Brett's 5th birthday. This was not planned out all that well this year due to the fact that I didn't realize it was coming up until last week. I did however get him the one and only gift he asked for, which was a Batman costume for his Build-a-Bear tiger. I plan to get him some more gifts before the weekend. I'm going to try and throw some type of party for him on Saturday.
Work has seemed busy for the last month or two for some reason. The economy doesn't seem to be affecting my employer too much. I've been really interested in space again for some reason. I've been hitting Hulu pretty hard with various space series such as Carl Sagan's 'Cosmos', and the History series 'The Universe'. I'm also starting to catch up on the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I wish HBO would create some way to subscribe to it's programming online. I'd be more than willing to pay to watch Curb and Bill Maher, I just don't feel like getting an entire cable TV package to do so. So for now, I am a little behind while I have to find episodes after they are released.
In personal news, I have gone over two weeks now without taking any type of medication. And I'm feeling extremely healthy. I'm almost certain at this point that my anxiety medication is somehow causing my nausea. In the two weeks that I haven't taken the anxiety pills, my stomach has been completely fine. It's very relieving to not be controlled by those pills though. At one point, I had trouble going more than a couple of hours without the medication and I was taking up to six pills a day. I think I might be to the point now where I might be able to stay off of them for good. Up until now, I could never go more than three days between medication. I have sure been trying since around March to take longer and longer gaps between each pill. I think breaking that three day mark was the big key to getting off of this. Anyhow, I have to get to bed. With the kids in school, my alarm is now going off at 6:30AM. It's not good.

I typically right a review at the end of each year, this year I've been putting if off. I planned to write this the last week of December, but I was afraid it may be depressing, so I didn't. 2008 was quite the year. In some ways it could be described as my best year, in many ways as my worst. It also seemed to be very easily separated into two distinct parts that seem to be demarcated right in the center of the year. The first half of the year was mainly the partying half, while the second half was the sick half. It's quite possible the first half caused the second half, but so far the doctors have not linked the two.
The first six months of 2008 were mostly filled with me drinking away almost every night possible. I don't really recall much of this time. The very beginning of the year I did start out slow in this aspect as I was pulled over by a cop in East Lansing in December of '07 after leaving the bar. Only God knows how I wasn't over the limit, but it ended up being the first time ever being pulled over and not issued some ticket. And I have been pulled over countless times. That incident slowed down my drinking for a while, but I know I was back in full swing by St. Patrick's Day. I had to work that day, so after work, I did the full sprint when it came to drinking. After that, it was drink after drink, party after party. At the time it seemed great, and I felt invulnerable. I hadn't, and still haven't, vomited since summer of '07, so I felt like I could drink as much as I'd like with nothing to stop me. And that's pretty much what I did. There was a few times I was likely somewhat alcohol poisoned and that did make me reconsider what I was doing. By the end of June or so, I think I had slowed down on the hardcore drinking somewhat. All this time, I was starting to struggle with anxiety attacks. These actually started around the end of 2006 or so. They went away for a while, but started to become more and more recurrent around May. I had a major anxiety attack near the beginning of June and went a saw a doctor. I started taking medication for the anxiety and this helped a lot. But, one day, I switched to a different medication and that day is when 2008 took a major change in course.
Now, before this reverse in course took place, another event was also happening that defines the difference between the different halves of the year. Also, many of the events that took place are linked. Later in the day of my major anxiety attack that ended me up in the doctors, I met Rachael. We started to develop a close friendship. Two days before a party she was having and I was going to go to and spend the most time I have with her up until that point was the day I switched that medication. It caused the most extreme pain and nausea I have ever experienced. My stomach was bleeding and I really don't know what happened. It seems extreme that the medication might have caused that. I'm not sure, and my doctor said he never heard of such a thing happening. After this, I started developing progressive problems with my stomach and digestive system. Endless nausea started to become a regular part of my life. Drinking alcohol and my other love, Monster, came to a halt. With the exception of about a quarter glass of beer I had about a week ago, I've been sober a good three months now. But, since July, I've had maybe a total of 10 beers. This is fairly significant since there were nights I'd drink that much. Thankfully, at this same time, Rachael and I have developed a great relationship that has helped to counterbalance the illness I have been experiencing.
Overall, it's hard to really judge the year of 2008. The first half was fun, but thinking back it seems like a lot of money was spent on experiences I barely recall. It may have been exciting when it took place, it wasn't healthy or safe. The second half was fully of great illness and great joy. It has been really rough because I have been extremely happy with Rachael and she is the greatest thing to ever happen to me, but I've also been struggling with the worst sickness I've ever had. It's been the best of times and the worst of times. I know that's a quote and I'd cite it, but I don't really recall who said it. But, it certainly describes the second half of my year.

To start off with this post, if you are not aware, I have two very different sides of me, the one that is pretty depressed, and the normal me. Most people don't know the depressed me, and apparently he totally freaks people out when he posts on this blog. Anyhow, that side of me is generally pretty under control, but I was depressed last night, so that's why the last blog post came to be.
On my seemingly endless search to figure out what is wrong with me, I have started to look at things from a different approach. Up to this point, I have been under the impression that there has been something physically wrong with my stomach or digestive system. Standard treatments such as antacids and diet changes have been completely ineffective though. Additionally, every anti-nausea medication I've taken has done nothing for me. I've taken three of them so far, and at least two of them I've looked up and they show the most common use is for chemo-therapy patients, so I know they are pretty decent medications. Yesterday, the scope of my stomach showed nothing wrong. So, if there is nothing physically wrong, I have started to see if it is maybe a mental dysfunction.
I began with trying to understand the mechanism in the brain that causes nausea. It seems that serotonin has a lot to do with how you brain processes nausea. This stuck out to me as I have been taking a medication buspar to change serotonin levels in my brain to help with my anxiety. On top of that, this nausea issue did start around two months or so after I started taking buspar. I looked up more information and it looks like there are other reporting very similar issues after taking buspar. I believe at this point, I am going to be contacting my doctor and looking into switching my medication. The only problem is, I think any other medication for anxiety is going to be even stronger and possibly have more effects. I will have to discuss this with the doctor though. I may have to look for other treatments for the anxiety as well, because I think I would rather face the anxiety and panic attacks, than deal with the nausea.

I had a scope of my stomach done today. I've been waiting to have this done for quite a while now. I was hoping so much that this would finally solve what has been wrong with me for so long. After I woke up from the anesthesia the doctor said they didn't find anything wrong. When I have mentioned this to a couple people, their response was "Oh, that's good". I mean, it should be good that they didn't find a problem. It's nice to know I don't have an ulcer or cancer or something. But, the reality is, there is still something seriously wrong with me. I have been in tons of pain and suffering for months and months now. This was my biggest fear, that nothing would be found and now nothing is going to change. It seems that doctors will continue to just keep guessing at what the issue is. My ultimate fear is that I will have to live like this forever. I really don't think I can handle that. The only thing that keeps me going from day to day is the knowledge that this will soon be over. Right now, I can't see when that day will be.

This has been quite the exciting day so far it seems. This morning I woke up at 8am as I usually do when the kids are here to feed them breakfast. What I noticed was, I was freezing cold and shivering and i was wrapped up in my blankets. I knew it was going to be cold out, in fact, I believe today is the coldest it's been this winter. But, something wasn't right. I went downstairs and it was twice as cold. The thermostat only goes down to 60 degrees, and the gauge was at the bottom. I could hear the furnace running in the basement, but no heat was coming out of the vents. Thankfully, the maintenance people at the apartment came up rather quickly and determined that the motor to the ventilation systems fan had died. All is well now, but it took quite some time to get warmed up this morning.
After that ordeal, it eventually came time to take Hailey to her bus stop. She gets on the bus at her mom's place in Grand Ledge. What I left a bit early realizing the roads may not be great. What I wasn't expecting was for there to be traffic completely stopped on the highway. I was in some traffic jam on I-96W for at least a good 20 minutes. I'm not certain what exactly caused it, but there were cars off the road all over the place. I ended up having to drive Hailey to school as we missed the bus. In all, the 40 mile round trip ended up taking me an hour and a half to complete. Along with this, I saw at least 15 cars off the road. I hope however decided that cutting funding for salting the highways is aware of the problems they are causing.
Later tonight the kids and I are going to the movies, hopefully this day will turn around and get better.

So, my health seems to be on a downward spiral lately. I went to the hospital once as I just couldn't tolerate the nausea and pain any longer. The doctor at the hospital actually gave me some medication that is helping for the most part with the nausea. I still feel sick every time I eat though. That's causing a lot of internal issues as I am hungry all the time, yet afraid to eat anything. I have seen the doctor again and he didn't really know what was going on now. So, I am finally seeing a gastrointestinal specialist, but unfortunately that isn't for another month. I don't really know how I am going to cope until that time. Thankfully I have insurance, but the deductibles for all the medications I'm taking and the doctors visits are starting to add up. Money is pretty much the last thing on my mind lately though. The worst part is that I have no motivation or ambition to do anything anymore. I have basically just been trying to get through every day at work and then I just want to go home and do nothing. For the most part, I have no social life anymore. And, to any of my friends reading this, sorry that I haven't been up for going out and doing stuff. If and when this is over, I will be back.
Another issue has been my diet. I am not able to eat salty, fatty, or fried food. Also can't have meat, caffeine or alcohol. Now, I stopped drinking alcohol about two months again, and have been sticking with that. The caffeine thing is pretty much impossible though. I have got it so I am only drinking one caffeinated drink every two or three days. Withdrawal headaches are really getting to me though, so I have may trying to maintain a reasonable level of caffeine to control that. I have been avoiding meats for the most part as well, but still eating a little every other day. Though it's not stated by the doctor, I can't eat dairy products anymore. This is just because I have been getting extremely ill anytime I eat any dairy product. I don't know if I have developed some type of lactose issue, I've tried taking Lactaid and it didn't help at all. Maybe I have some type of milk allergy now.
Essentially, this means that every single thing that I used to eat on a daily basis is now off limits. It's hard to adjust to that. I am hoping I will begin losing weight soon as I haven't been eating much and just drinking water for the most part. No weight loss has seemed to happen though. Another issue is that I haven't been working out anymore as I never feel well enough.
In other news, I had a birthday recently. That was alright, got to spend the whole day with Rachael. Sadly, I was pretty sick much of it. Ended up missing the Liquid Web holiday party as that was the day after I was in the hospital and I had to make up work hours during the party. That was okay though as it was an open bar and I was able to avoid the temptation to drink. Rachael's car ended up dying the night I was in the hospital as well. This sucks quite a bit as she is not currently working so I'm not sure how it's going to get fixed. And she now has three weeks off of school and she doesn't have a means to get to Lansing.
I think I will end this post for now as I don't really know where it's going and seems pretty random again.

As I posted about a couple months back, I had a pretty serious stomach issue after switching medications one day. I was in probably the worst pain of my life for about an entire day. Things got better since then, but never back to normal. I've had aches in my stomach and started feeling regularly nauseated. More recently, the nausea has been almost constant. Once in a while, I would be up at night in front of the toilet for hours on the verge of puking. But, I never actually puke, I just wish I could. I had stopped drinking both alcohol and Monster and hadn't touched either in over two weeks as I thought they were triggering the issues. But, Thursday night, yet again, I was up all night in lots of pain. I didn't get any sleep, so I decided to call in to work sick so that I could rest and visit the doctor. This time, my stomach issue was identified as gastritis. After the doctor explained to me what it is, and reading online about it, he is completely correct with the diagnosis. Also, I not have a prescription for a proton-pump inhibitor to reduce my stomach acid. I was taking Zantac before, but this stuff is much better. I was also given a prescription for an anti-nausea medication, prochlorper. That stuff works really well also. I have been feeling really good since taking these medications. I will say, there does seem to be some side effects though. For one, I'm hungry, but I can't eat very much before feeling full. I'm guessing that's due to the acid reduction. This may be a good thing as maybe I'll lose some weight as well. But, it also means I feel hungry again not too long after eating. The other issue I notice is that I seem to have much less sensation in my body. I don't really seem to feel things as well as I used to. I suppose that has it's positives and it's negatives, but, I don't like not feeling things for the most part. The doctor said I should notice feeling much better within the first three days and be completely recovered within two weeks, so I am excited about that. This has been going on for months and months, I can't wait for it to be over. I think I will have a new appreciation for what it's like to be a normal healthy person.
In other news, I got to spend a great weekend with Rachael. Today is actually our three month anniversary, so that is some exciting news. She also got to meet my mom, sister and stepdad on Friday night as we had a family movie outing. Then on Saturday we went and had an interesting night with Patrick and Lona at a bowling alley out in Ovid. It was a 9-pin bowling tournament. I was just planning on having a fun night out bowling, but seems all these people that were there took everything way too seriously. It wasn't even a team event. It was mentioned this was a monthly thing and I was invited back out, but I will probably just stick around and stay home. If I want to bowl, I can just go to Holiday Lanes which is much closer and cheaper.

About a month ago, I mentioned that I was really sick after taking the medication Lexapro. The good news is that I have since returned to taking the medication I was on before, just at a higher dose, and things are great. I told the doctor about the stools I have having and he also believes that my stomach was bleeding as a result of the medication I was on. He said it was odd though and he had never heard of a reaction like that. I did a quick Google search and came up with a study that shows that SSRI's have been linked to stomach bleeding. So, I plan to stay away from that stuff for now.
The problem is, my stomach still seems to be damaged. I had been staying away from drinking alcohol after that last incident. I did go out a week ago though and drank quite a bit. I once again experienced massive pain in my stomach that lasted nearly a day. At this point, I have decided that I am going to mostly stay away from alcohol for a while. I'm thinking at least the next six months or so to give myself some time to recover. I may have one beer here and there, but I don't plan to go on drinking binges like I usually do. This should also save me some money and help me lose weight as a side effect.

I want to start this post off with a note about previous postings that I have made. It should probably be mentioned that I certainly have been out of it here and there over the past year or two. I'm generally in a normal state of mind, but that always isn't the case. When I not all there, I have found that it's helpful to write about what's going on in my mind in an attempt to help myself later on. So far, this has been working well. The side effect of this is that the postings here generally lean toward the unusual and people have been worried. Please, do not be concerned at this time. I will probably let you know if worrying is needed.
Actually, right now, things are going really well. It's kinda odd, but in about a span of two months time, I've kinda hit a bottom of how things were going and now have reached a level of things going well that hasn't been achieved in a long time. About two months ago I was at the point of my worst panic attack ever and ended up in the urgent care. Then, not long after that, I lost my friendship with my best friend. Since then though, good things seem to be happening. I've been taking medication that has been helping in unbelievable ways. I have only had one panic attack since I started taking it, and I think I may have forgotten to take my afternoon pill that day. I've been very careful to not forget since then. As long as I take the medicine, I have no anxiety or anything. I still have some anxiety late at night and when I wake up as the drugs wear off, but it's much better than the all day stuff from before. I now feel like I can generally function normally all the time. I've noticed that I have been much more productive at work lately. Also, I haven't been drinking near as much as I used to. I think much of the drinking I was doing was to suppress how bad I was feeling before. I don't have that problem now. In fact, I've only drank two nights in the last three weeks. Though, I will certainly make up for lost time this Saturday as Liquid Web is having a riverboat party and much drinking will be done. Additionally, I am now in a very happy relationship with Rachael. I think any women I've dated since I've been married have always felt like it was forced and I was only doing it to be in a relationship and not because I liked that person in particular. Things with Rachael seem very different, and most likely because it wasn't anything that I was really going after at first, it just happened.
What else has been happening... Best Little Ever made short films, two weekends back-to-back, for the East Lansing Film Festival 48/5 contest and for the 48 Hour Film Project which is an international contest. For the first one, I got to play my first acting role in a Best Little Ever production. I played a bank robber. It was a lot of fun even though I had maybe 5 total hours of sleep the two night prior to the acting day. It was tons of fun though, and the movie ended up getting 2nd place. Sadly, this is the third Best Little Ever film and the first one to not get a 1st place win. The second movie I didn't work on much. I did some minor grip work the first day, but I started to feel really ill, so I ended up going home. I would have stuck it out, but there was a ton of people there, so I was pretty sure me being gone wasn't going to affect anything. That movie won 3rd place overall out of all the teams in Detroit and won Best Acting and Best Costumes. That was the first international contest we entered. There are many more movies in the works, I would like to get more into the acting as I had a good time doing that. I am also working on the website, which is easily accessed at http://www.bestlilever.com.
There is more thoughts to come. I've been slowly writing this for hours now...

The last week now seems like a hazy memory. I was really sick and not even sure if I'm still fully recovered. My stomach was in so much pain, I think my mind was basically wiped much of it all out of my mind. I am so out of it now as I don't seem to have a good concept of the time that has passed. It didn't help that I missed over two days of work last week. I woke up nauseated still this morning. This all started on Thursday. I started taking a new medication, Lexapro. I think it somehow damaged my stomach. I'm pretty sure all the pain was caused by bleeding as I was shitting this thick black tar-like stuff for the first couple days. Lets just say that I only took it once and that was enough. And the experience has once again fueled my dislike of doctors. I called to get something for the nausea, 24 hours later I ended up just requesting to get switched back to my old medication. It took five or six calls to the doctor to get this taken care of. They didn't seem to worried that I was in massive pain. I don't know what I'm going to do, I can't keep depending on these doctors. So, I am back on the buspar, but still on the 10mg that I was on before, so the effectiveness is kind of lacking. It's better than nothing though. Of course, this all happened during a fairly busy week. I was going to finally meet my friend Sarah for the first time in person Thursday night. We were going to see the movie that the production group I am in, Best Little Ever, created for the 48 Hour Film Project last weekend. It was showing in Royal Oak along with the other 25 (I think) teams. I didn't make that as I instead left work early and somehow made it home. Then Friday night was Rachael's party at her new apartment. I still ended up going to that even though I wasn't feeling that well. I started to feel somewhat better, but that went downhill as the night went on. This is probably the first time I've ever gone to a party and not drank. That was a bit unusual. None the less, I got to spend time with Rachael, so I enjoyed myself as best as I could. While I'm on that topic, meeting Rachael is one of best things that has happened to me in a while. Through all the depression and my mind going through the turbulence of emotion, she always makes me cheerful and happy. We seem to be on the same wavelength, and anyone that knows me knows that I don't easily find people that are like that. So, thankfully I got to spend a lot of time with her over the last week, and that I do remember clearly. Right now I am listening to Through Glass by Stone Sour. I have listened to this a lot lately. It's much how I feel about myself. This post has once again gone in very random directions like I often do. I think I have said all I have to say for now. I was going to make a post a few nights ago, but I broke the login system, so I couldn't login to make the post. Doh. At least that's working again.

I think life is starting to work itself out now. I'm beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I hope it approaches sooner rather than later, as stress and depression seem to be causing physical side effects and are starting to affect parts of my life and social interactions. I'm not sure how this medication is working anymore. I think maybe it needs to be upped in dose or something. At first, I could really feel when it kicked in, like I would be totally out of it for a few minutes, then feel great. Now, I don't really feel anything special when I take it, and though it still does relieve anxiety attacks, the effectiveness isn't lasting very long. After around 5 hours, I will often already being to start feeling anxiety issues. It basically seems that I have to keep taking the pills now, it's no longer optional and if I don't, I'm screwed. Yesterday, I didn't have my pills on my most the day and I was getting really shaky and worried things were going to go really bad if I didn't get to my car soon. I don't like to be dependent on something, yet that's how I feel now. I can't go to work without the pills, I can't go anywhere for more than a few hours without taking them with me. I also fear that I won't get to a doctor in time for a refill.

Today has been one of the most rough days for me in a while. Things for me are starting to look pretty grim. People keep telling me, "Don't worry, things will get better." I keep waiting for that, but I don't really see it happening. Things actually just keep getting worse. And on top of that, the people that I care about keep abandoning me when I need them the most. I'm starting to think I will just give up on my current friends as they seem like they don't really care and that's really causing me more pain than anything else. I guess I also feel like I am a typically giving person, and right now when I feel like I need someone, the only people that I can talk to are people I barely know. Maybe I am really just very ignorant and the people that I think are my close friends, don't really feel the same in return. I suppose I've never really considered that the people I care about don't really care much about me. I always assume the best in people, and that's probably my biggest downfall. None of this probably makes sense to anyone, and that's okay. I do want to thank Rachael and Cristi and Sarah. You guys have provided me with amazing support and make me feel like there is someone out there you cares. I don't really know any of you guys that well, but I would like to change that in the future.

After having to deal with rescheduling my jury duty, it turns out that I will never even have to step into court. Each day I've called in and they have never needed jurors. Today when I called, they said they didn't need jurors tomorrow and confirmed that the court would be closed Friday and my jury service is complete. So, that's cool I never have to go in, though at the same time I was kind of interested in being part of the justice process.

So, yesterday I had my worst anxiety break down ever. I was to the point to where I could no longer function. I finally went and seen a doctor. This was a very smart move. We really needed someone to talk with, and I was actually at a point where I don't think my friends would suffice. The doctor and I talked for a long while actually and he suggested some things I should do to try and help with the anxiety attacks. He also gave me some medication which worked wonders. I think it was one of the happiest times of my life. Seriously. When I have these attacks, I have tried everything to stop them. Nothing ever works. Ever. Until now. Hopefully I will get this under control. Maybe see a counselor at some point, who knows. That would depend on if my insurance covers that, which I'm going to guess not.
In other news, I got my jury duty pushed back two weeks, so it will no longer interfere with the vacation plans. Kim needs to get a job in the next week so she can go, I've tried to help her look, but it's not much time. We'll see how that goes. My friend Angie had a birthday party last night. Celebrated it at my place with a keg and $60 in liquor. Turned out really well even in the face of horrible weather. This was the first time we did beer pong inside. Didn't turn out too bad. May continue to do that in the future.

So, today has not gone off to a good start. I received a jury summons in the mail. I open it up, and of course it says I need to appear June 16th. I plan to be up north from June 14th through the 19th. So, I now had to contact the jury clerk and request a postponement. Hopefully that goes through, but I'm sure I won't hear back on that until Monday.
Then, I went to Quality Dairy to get some Monster as they have the 2 for $3 sale right now. The Holt store didn't have any Monster M-80. This anti-M-80 thing is really bugging me. Are there people really buying Monster Mixxed? So, I had to go to a second QD just to get a Monster. Thankfully, work has been going well today.

Yesterday I finally got hotel reservations setup for my trip to Mackinac Island this summer. I haven't taken any vacations anywhere in years and decided I should finally get around to doing that. I remember Mackinac Island being a fun place to go when I was younger, so I thought it would be a great place to take the kids. Got a nice room with lake-front view setup at the Clarion Hotel in Mackinaw City. Also purchased a package with ferry rides to the island, entrance to an indoor waterpark near the hotel, carriage tour on the island, and a ton of other stuff. Also plan to go across the bridge at some point, not sure what we'll do on the other side, but we will figure that out when we get there.

So, on Thursday, I finally went to see a doctor. But, this actually has nothing at all to do with my previous posts about seeing a doctor. I went to see a chiropractor. All week, my back had been killing me, and it was getting worse and worse. I wasn't sleeping well as I was waking up every 30-40 minutes in pain. I wasn't able to work very well as I couldn't sit or stand still for long periods of time and was just generally exhausted. It also sucked as I hadn't been on the computer much lately as I didn't even feel comfortable sitting at home in front of the computer for more than short periods of time. Thankfully, Kim is an awesome friend and realizes that I was going to put off seeing the doctor as long as possible, so she just found a doctor and scheduled me an appointment. I have now seen the doctor twice and it is amazing the difference it makes. I seen a chiropractor back in Charlotte about 5 years ago and had similar results. I only stopped going then because the insurance ran out. This time around, my insurance is very strange and this is going to cost me a ton at first. It's worth it though, as my back being out of alignment pretty much throws the rest of myself off and makes life miserable.

So, I have finally decided to go see a doctor. This is kinda major, as I have a distrust for doctors and the medical profession in general. A couple days ago, I had some more issues with depression, and this was worse than I have ever experienced. I realize at this point that I can no longer control this myself and I may need some counseling or drugs, or both. Additionally, sorry to anyone that I have been an ass to in the last couple of days.

I've begun to realize that my mind is really mostly in control of itself and just kind of does it's own thing. I am now to the point where I have mostly gotten away from depression (I am worlds better than I was a year ago), but it still pops up from time to time. And the odd thing is, it's often when I should otherwise be in a really good mood. Today was somewhat not a good example of this. I was really depressed pretty much all day long, and there was certainly a trigger that caused it to happen. Basically, I was left a message on my phone that was very misleading and it panicked me. I later found out what the message was really about and I should have been able to move on with my day no worries, but I wasn't able to. All day long my mind was wondering and I really couldn't focus on anything. I really don't think I got much done, and I feel bad for my co-workers if that is the case. What bothers me the most though is that I could not snap myself out of this. No matter what I told myself to try and make things better, it just didn't matter. Consciously, I knew I was fine, but subconsciously, I was a mess.
Anyhow, I now feel better once again, and I also am glad that I have gained much more confidence about myself in the last year or so. If anything, I think that has mostly helped me overcome my mental issues I have experienced. People who read this would probably noticed that I never wrote about these types of issues a while back, but that was because I kept it between myself and a couple of really close people that I trusted. Actually, only two people knew about any of this until recently, even most of my close friends did not. Anyhow, I now am to the point where I feel that either you can know this about me and be understanding, or I really don't care much about you. So, if anyone was wondering why I may have not seemed like myself today, this is why. I don't want any pity or sorrow from anybody, so please don't think that's why I am writing this. I just think that writing about it is another way I can try and get past these issues. I hope one day I can look back at this post and be glad it's over.

About five years ago, I had a slight tear in my rotator cuff. This should have told me long ago that I was really out of shape. I didn't realize what had happened at the time, I thought I just pulled a muscle. The pain never really went away though, so, after about a month I decided to see a doctor. If you know me well, you will know I can't stand to see doctors, so this was a big step. The doctor then told me that I had simply pulled a muscle and prescribed some pain medication. The pain wasn't really the main issue, I was just concerned that I wasn't getting better. This visit basically helped to once again solidify my feelings that most doctors are quite incompetent. Months went by and the pain did tone down a bit, but I never fully felt better. After about a year or so, I finally went and saw another doctor. This time, it was determined that it was likely a rotator cuff tear and an MRI was scheduled. The MRI confirmed this. I then started to do physical therapy which did help the day of the visit. I did this for a little while and then was left with doing some exercises on my own. I was very inconsistent with that. The one thing that always did help though was Celebrex. That medication did wonders for the constant annoyance of my arm. It was never a lot of pain, but just an endless annoyance that never went away. Over time, I basically got used to the irritation of my arm being sore, but the cold of the winter alway made it worse. Last winter I used up most of the Celebrex I had. I eventually ran out and this meant that I was going to need to see another doctor if I wanted more. I didn't have medical insurance for the longest time, so that plan was pretty much ruled out anyway. I do have it now though. The great thing is, now that I have been regularly exercising and lifting weights, my arm actually hasn't been giving me any trouble. It's quite great actually. Not only am I in the best shape I have been in the last 10 years, but the little aches and pains I've just accepted as normal are now gone. It's really nice now when people ask how I'm doing, and I can honestly say that I'm doing great.

I finally ordered all the parts I need to repair my computer. I got a nice deal on a Antec 650W power supply at CompUSA's going out of business sale. I also got a new case that Brian had suggested, a motherboard and a new hard drive. The hard drive wasn't really NEEDED, but it will be nice to have. My dead Seagate is covered under warranty, but I want to try and recover the data off of that drive on to a new one. Then I can ship the damaged drive back for replacement. If I go ahead a stick all my SATA drives into this new box, I will have a total of 2TB of storage. I'll probably actually do this as the motherboard has eight SATA connectors and the case has five drive bays. Since I have two 160GB drives that are currently in RAID0 setup, I think I will convert them to a RAID1 so I have some reliable storage space.
In other news, spent the weekend assisting in the production of a short film for the 48/5 competition for the East Lansing Film Festival. This competition involved creating a five minute short movie over a 48 hour period. There was a long long night of writing Friday night, filming all day Saturday and editing that started Saturday night and went through early Sunday. It was completed ahead of schedule today. I'd have to say I'm fairly impressed by how it turned out. I didn't end up being as involved with this project as I have in some prior film stuff I had done, but I did get to play as an extra in one scene.
Finally, I made some further decisions on how I am going to proceed with the future of this website. I was planning to do a full rewrite and had Jan 1, 2009 set as my goal release date for that. After thinking it over, I think I am going to put that on the backburner and further work on the current code. This includes adding more features that I have been wanting, plus rewriting things in their current place. This actually worked really well with my comment system rewrite. Also, about the comments, currently you need to login to my site to post them; this will not be the case in the very near future. I've always wanted the comments to be completely open to anyone, but this of course opens the door to spam. I was using Movable Types built in comment support for the longest time, but now I am running off of my own code. I didn't have everything in place to prevent spammers from posting so I had removed the option for open posting, but I now thought of a simple idea that I will setup soon.

Near the beginning of January, I bought myself a weight bench. I've been tinkering with the idea of getting into shape for a while now, but things I tried haven't really panned out. I was walking for a bit, but it takes a lot of time and I wasn't really seeing much results for all the time I was investing. Plus, due to the climate I live in, it's not really practical year-round.
Amazingly, I have created a workout program for myself and not only followed it, but in most cases exceeded what I set forth to accomplish. Based on past history, this is quite amazing. I often will try things and they will fall apart within a weeks time. At this point, I've been working out every other day since Jan 17th missing only a few days here and there for important events. Last week I had worked up to a full hour of weight lifting and tonight I got this up to an hour and fifteen minutes. I really didn't expect to notice anything for at least a couple of months, but I can already tell that I am in the best shape I have been since high school. Yea, I still have quite a bit of fat around the belly, but underneath there is some decent muscle at this point. I'm expecting much of this fat to slowly turn into muscle within the coming months. I hope to have some good follow up reports on this. Right now though, I am going to bed cause I am pretty destroyed at this point.

My mind is quite out of control for the most part. It's something that seems to disturb me more and more each day. I used to be someone who felt in complete control of my mind and body. At one point I was able to easily mentally block out pain and hunger and such. Then something happened and I have lost this control. Not only that, but I have had actual emotions and feeling overcome me in ways that I can't change. The worst parts of this seem to come about every six months. I remember quite clearly about a year ago having major depression issues and also again I had a couple of weeks of these issues over the summer. This also happened a bit in the past too. The problems seem to have returned this past week. Today is the first day that I feel more in control. It's hard to really explain what is going on, but I just get this overwhelming sense that I am worthless and alone. Then I start to become really paranoid. The worst part is, I am completely aware that the paranoia is unjustified and I try talking myself out of it, but it doesn't really seem to help. Nothing seems to help really. I tried sleeping it away, drinking it away. No help. Anyhow, this isn't meant to be a pity post or anything. I avoiding posting anything while I was being most affected as I didn't want to sound like an asshole or anything. I really just wanted to get my thoughts out in writing to try and help deal with them.

So, yea, it's 2008 now. I thought I'd maybe write some post looking back at 2007. Not a whole lot to say really. Moved out of my dad's again at the beginning of the year. Had a few pretty decent parties at my new place. Got a new job. Met a ton of random ass people. Basically drank a whole lot in between. All and all, was certainly a good year. Had few complaints. Really, at one point, not sure if this was 2007 or not, I decided that I really wasn't going to worry about where my life was going in the long term, I have been a much happier person. Not to say that I want to be a bum, or I don't want to achieve anything, but I used to always try to plan my entire next 10 years and base everything I did around that. All that caused was stress and a feeling of never accomplishing my goals. My new plan is to live until tomorrow. So far, it's gone well and I always can be happy to know I've done what I set out to do. There's been a couple times this last year where I almost didn't quite get to the next day, namely, the very first day of 2007. But, I'm still here. On that note, I really have no idea what 2008 will bring. Leaving Corecomm was really my only thing I really wanted to do last year, and that is done. I'm loving my current job, so I can't really see leaving it anytime soon. So, at this point, I'll probably just keep doing what I'm doing and hope things turn out well. This has turned out to be a really lame post about 2007. It's not even titled 2007. Blah...

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, I've been very well since posting that. Today I decided that I've going to take an entire week off from drinking any Monster. This will help me financially as well as it will cut some sugar out of my diet. I also think it may be a contributer to the panic attacks I've been having. I'm mainly posting this on here to try and give me more motivation to stay on this.

I don't understand my mind anymore. It seems to have lost it's balance. Today for instance, I woke up hungover and confused. Not so much a mind issue rather than a physical issue as a result of drinking. After that went away, I actually felt very happy and confident. For no apparent reason, I felt better than I have in a while. Only a couple hours later, I'm experiencing a panic attack. I went through a phase where I was having those almost every other day. Then it stopped for a few months. I had one a couple weeks ago though. And then just now. It's odd that I'm swinging from extreme happiness to these panic attacks where everything seems terrible.
I think this panic attack may have been brought on by some abdominal pain I've been experiencing. Not being a doctor myself, I'm having trouble determining what the cause of this is. Unfortunately, it's on my right side near where my appendix is. But, it seems to be further right and a little higher than where most diagrams are showing the appendix. So, I somewhat fear it may be appendicitis. At the same time, this started when I started doing sit ups, which I hadn't done in years. So, it may just be a muscle issue. My reasearch seems to show that appendicitis goes from painful to severe within about 12 hours, and this has been painful for about a week now. So, I have no idea, but it's certainly not getting any better.

Today I started the next level of my journey on becoming healthier. I've been doing fairly regular walks at least a couple times a week. Today I actually went jogging. This was probably a really bad day to start this as it was mid-90's outside. I did 45 minutes of jogging mixed with walking. I was close to passing out at one point. I'm going to limit this to 30 minutes in the future until I'm in a little better shape.

Amazingly, I've actually been keeping up with this walking thing I started two weeks ago. Just wanted to post an update as I'm kinda excited I kept with it this long. Also, tomorrow morning I start working in a new position and a new work schedule at the DPS. More great and exciting news!

People who know me, know that I don't really do any exercise. Today, I decided to do something about that and took a walk. Walked for over 30 minutes with the kids. Brett was all tired out, amazingly I wasn't doing too bad. I feel much better now for doing that, I hope to make this a daily thing.

I think I've determined that I'll probably end up being single forever. Seems the chances of me meeting someone that I can actually be with for any length of time is not very high. It has partially to do with the fact that I am somewhat picky with the people I associate with. I can't really handle anybody who is a conservative at all. Religion is another area that I just can't go for. I could handle middle-of-road people fine. I don't expect everyone to be a super liberal or anything. But, if you voted for Bush the second time around, there's obviously something fucked up in your head, and I just can't deal with that shit.
These things alone still leave quite a large number of people out there. But, I'm still just not much of a people person. I'm not that outgoing when first meeting people, and a lot of people can't seem to handle that. I've kinda grown contempt for most people in general. Then there is the intelligence factor. Probably something that bothers me more than anything is stupid people. There are just too many of these. And not to be sexist, but there seems to be a higher percentage of women that fall into this category. It could just be the ones that I know though.
I also really value open-mindedness. I would like to think of myself as extremely open-minded. I'm not really offended by anything. Nothing really shocks me too much. This pretty much is related to why I don't like conservatives. But, there always seems to be some hangup that people have. Either they hate homosexuals, or they are racist, or something along those lines.
There is also physical aspects. I am by no means the ideal male when it comes to this, but at the same time I am human and there are traits that I am attracted to in the opposite sex. Unless most guys, I really don't seem to have any preference when it comes to breast size. I'm not sure why, I think all sizes are nice. Weight isn't a big hangup for me either. I do have a thing for a pretty face though. That seems to be really important. A good smile and nice hair really does me over. Then there is a height issue. Being only 5'5", about half of all women are taller than myself. I can handle women being slightly taller, but anything more than an inch or so, and I can't really go for that. This is basically a confidence issue on my part, but that's just the way it is. The confidence thing may also stem from the fact that on almost all personals sites, women seem to want guys 5'7" or taller. Even women that are like 5 foot tall.
Then, on the rare occasion I do meet someone that I actually can stand and have conversation with, there always seems to be a problem. Once again, the lack of confidence that I have always makes me suspect the other person doesn't share the same opinion of me. This inevitably is usually true, only adding to the confidence issue. Otherwise, there always seems to be a breakdown of things to talk about. Maybe I am just not that interesting of a person. I don't really claim to be interesting. So, why exactly would someone want anything to do with me? This is my current conundrum.
Overall, I don't mind so much. I'd much rather be single the rest of my life than with the wrong person. But, I'd much rather be with the right person, than single. Huh.

Here I am. At work. Sick. Pissed. I went to bed last night at 4am. Somewhat later than usual as I was watching some good Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes and just couldn't stop. At 6am I awoke and went to the bathroom with stomach pains. I then ended up throwing up and feeling much better afterwards. I was hoping I just ate some bad food and that was that. I then remembered Nickcole said that my son Brett was sick Tuesday night and threw up every 15 minutes all night long.
I went back to lay down. Then the stomach pains returned. From 6am on, I went on a cycle of throwing up, feeling better for 10 minutes, feeling horrible stomach pain for about 20 minutes, then throwing up again. This was my day. Both Hailey and Brett were over for the night, so I had to utilize those 10 minute intervals where I felt okay to feed and clothe them. I was eventually able to get ahold of Nickcole and she came and picked them up around 10:30. I was still sick at this point though. When Nickcole came over, she also let me know that she came down with the same thing, and was sick every 15 minutes from like 8pm 'til 6am on Thursday night. I knew I couldn't work like this. Since I am point supervisor tonight, I have to actually find another supervisor to work for me. This leaves three other people. First guy I called was up north at Houghton Lake for the weekend. Next two guys went straight to voicemail. No return calls or anything.
So, here I am at work. Thankfully, the puking actually did stop at about 12:30. I still don't feel well. Had only 2 hours of sleep. Haven't eaten anything. And I'm at Corecomm, which makes me feel unwell on a normal day.

I have to say that I am quite the procrastinator. I'm not really sure where this came from, or why I am this way. It may just be a lack of motivation. I will only do things because at the last minute I HAVE to do them. This always seems like a good way to go as when I do actually get around to getting things done, I don't waste any time. Plus, the fact that every day leading up until the due date on things, I have the satisfaction of putting things off and slacking. The main problem comes with the fact that when this slacking occurs, I always have this guy in the back of my mind that's worried that I won't have enough time to finish what needs to be done. This guy has been slowly draining my resources and causing me stress and grief. One problem is the fact that I don't ever realize how much the stress is actually getting to me until the day after I accomplish what I have been procrastinating doing. I then notice how much of a relief things were. I do have satisfaction that the stress is gone, but I wonder how much better things would be if it was just never there. I also have to wonder how much my life is being shortened by needless stress that I bring on to myself. There's of course always going to be stress, but probably a majority of it is self-inflected. I wasn't really going anywhere with this, this has just been going through my mind today.

It's been a long while since I actually put in an entry on this site about myself. I used to pretty much do a majority of the work and entries on this site when I was at work. I used to just take calls at work and could easily multitask and do other things. My current work situation generally requires me to focus on what I am doing when I do actual work. If I'm not doing anything, I basically don't want to do anything else but sit and daze off. So, this site has been getting neglected. I did finally get around to building in a feature to allow myself to send picture messages from my phone and have them post straight to this site.
One big news item recently is that I finally moved out of my dad's place that I had been living for the last year since my divorce and got a new place with my friend Brian. It's a big three bedroom townhouse in south Lansing. I really appreciated my dad letting me stay with him, but I just have to do my own thing and being 25 living with my parents doesn't do a lot of good for self esteem.
So, at this point, I'm pretty excited about having my own place. Things this week haven't been going so well for me, but I have a feeling that for the most part only good can happen from here on out. I also have been looking into going back to school. I got registered at LCC and will probably talk to a counselor there I know about getting financial aid and getting a course plan. Anyway, that's all I have to say for now.

I think I have been behind on sleep for some reason lately. I always keep dazing off during the day and taking random 10 min naps here and there. Last night I actually went to bed fairly early and slept over 12 hours. Damn, I feel like a new person today. It's awesome.

Been a while since I posted anything. I seem to do this in spurts. I guess I haven't had much notable to say really. Kids have been doing great. Brett's been saying a lot of words recently. Hailey's been potty trained for a while, but now she doesn't even use the seat the goes on the adult toilet, she just holds herself up. She is getting so grown up. Her third birthday is in just over a month. Hailey and I went to go see Dora Live a few weeks ago. She had a lot of fun with that. Then we went to the zoo a couple weeks ago. Hailey wasn't as interested in that as I thought. She knows what many of the animals are now, but she seemed more interested in playing on the slides and swings in the park they had in front of the zoo.
As for myself, work is starting to get busy again. We are really short staffed now, but for the first time in about a year and a half, we have some new employees. It's about time. So, I will be busy with the training and such with that. Outside of work, my good friend Neil just graduated from MSU with a degree in political science. Patrick just bought a house and is all moved in now. Been spending a lot of time hanging out with Ian, JD, and Kim. They are a lot of fun to be with. Also been getting back into playing more video games. I finally managed to get SimCity 4 installed on my new computer. It was locking up on the second disk the first couple times I tried to install it. But, it's on now, and I can finally build as big as cities as I want with no slowdown. The box says it only requires 128MB of RAM. Ha, that is a joke. Maybe to initially start the game. I have 2GB of RAM, and I can now finally run it. I also got Counterstrike:Source. But, now for some reason my DVD burner won't burn a CD, it says no disk in drive. That is odd, so I shall finish this so I can reboot.

You might be wondering, "What happened to Cameron?". Yea, I haven't posted anything here in a while. I really don't have anything to say, I just noticed it's been going on three weeks since I posted. For some reason I have been perpetually tired for the last month or so. It doesn't matter how much I sleep either. I just feel tired all day and night. I think my health may be the problem. Anyway, this tiredness also has caused time to go by very quickly. I don't really remember much happening since Christmas. It's like everyday seems the same and in my mind they all just kind of blend together. Thus is life I suppose. That's all for now, I will be leaving work soon.

I thought, I should do a look back at the past year, and reflect back on it. This is a bad year to do so though. If I can say anything about thinking back at 2005, it's that I'm glad it's over and look forward to 2006.

I am normally a pretty positive person. But, this past year has probably been one of my worst years. The great thing about really bad years, I probably have only good things to look forward to. Basically, getting divorced was a pretty stressful thing. I didn't expect it to go well, but at the same time, I have never felt depression like I did after that happened. I didn't know that I could feel that bad and have a better grasp on how depression can really affect your life. I am over that for the most part now, but that lasted longer than I could have imagined. I normally have pretty good control over my feelings and emotions, and for the first time, I didn't. To top that off, while I knew my marriage wasn't going well, I didn't quite realize that Nickcole was so easily ready to end it. I really caught me off guard. Leading to the divorce, this summer we had some of the worst financial situations we ever had. I still don't know why we didn't have any money. But, we were broke. I went to selling things on Ebay to have gas money. I was scared for a while and that lead to a lot of stress having to worry about money so much. And now, my job is no longer guaranteed to last much longer. It's more of a question of when it will be over with, rather than an if. I will be laid off sometime soon, be it a month or three months. And with the current job market, I might have to settle for less pay or something. It's not making this year end all that well. That's the general bad crap that I can think of right now. It's the stuff that has affected me most this year.

Let's see, some of the good things about the past year. At the beginning of the year, Brett was not quite even three months old. Now he is running around, starting to talk and becoming quite an energetic little boy. My job also pays more and has become tons easier. At the same time, while my financial situation at one point this year was the worst it has ever been, I now am only working one job and doing quite well financially.
Knowledge-wise, I have been learning so much about web design. I completely rebuilt this site from the ground up. That was one of the biggest projects of my life. Seriously. It took about half a year to complete. In the process I have learnt about proper xHTML coding, PHP and MySQL databases. I feel pretty confident in using these now and hope that I will be able to do some nice web projects in the near future.
People-wise, being single has changed my social situation quite a bit. I didn't really talk to my brother much since moving out of my parents house back in 2000, but now we are probably closer than we have ever been. That's really cool. Plus, I have started hanging out with Patrick again. We have been friends for over 15 years, but for the past five or so, we didn't do a whole lot together. More recently, I have been hanging out with Paul, CJ, and Ben from work. We've been having LAN parties every couple weeks and that's been fun. While I have been lacking in relationships with women, hopefully that situation will improve sometime in the future. So, not everything has been bad.

That's my quick rundown of 2005. I feel confident that 2006 will be a great year. My goals for 06 are to start working out and to get a better job. I don't want to make my goals list too long, or I'll skip things. As long as I do those two things, I think the rest of everything else I want to get done will kind of just fall in place. Anyways, happy new year!

OK, things with life are getting better. As you may know, I am going through a divorce, that has been causing me to become depressed on and off. Then, I found out some things at my work that were bad. Can't really discuss them here as it's confidential type stuff still. But, today I found out that it may not be as bad as I thought. So, things are doing better for me. Just an FYI as my last post wasn't very descriptive.

See title

You fit in with: Agnosticism Your ideals mostly resemble those of an Agnostic. You are fairly ambivalent towards any religion or spiritual connection. You lead a very busy life and find that religion and spirituality are unnecessary to your life. 40% scientific. 0% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Next week I will be on vacation, so if you leave me any emails I won't be responding, and if you comment and this site and get the message that it was moderated, then it might take some time before it shows up. Right now, I am sitting here with 15 minutes left to go at work before I have the next nine days off. I am excited. This is the first time I have gone on a trip since I went to Cedar Point back in 2001. The last time I went camping was my honeymoon back in 2000. Our family is going up north to Higgins Lake to go camping. I bet Hailey is going to have a blast because she is addicted to being outside now, and she will be able to do that all day long now.
But, before I go on vacation, tomorrow I am spending the day with Patrick. I am pretty excited about that too. We haven't done anything together for more than a couple of hours here and there in a long time. But, tomorrow we are getting tuxes for his wedding, and then we are going to golf. Something I have never done in real life. I have been playing Hot Shots Golf on the PSP non-stop recently, but I imagine the real thing is a bit different.
Anyhow, my night is now done at work. Yay! Here comes my vacation!

I am now the owner of a 2005 Scion xA. I picked up the car on Saturday and am loving it. Best car I have ever owned. That's all for now

It's been a while since I posted anything here. Couple weeks ago I was basically sick all week long. Took almost two weeks to completely recover. I had to work, but I didn't do much of anything else. Never extremly sick, just a non-stop cold that wouldn't go away. I am better now and back to getting things done. One thing that I have been working on for about the last six months and is nearing completion is a complete rewrite of this website. I have rewriten all the templates powering this site from the ground up. Using all standards perfect XHTML and CSS to the best of my abitily. Actually, the research started about nine months ago. I have been doing a lot of planning on this. I have a due date set for completion of June 22, which is the 2nd anniversery of Cameron's Thoughts. I have set a number of deadlines for things to get done, and so far everything is ahead of schedule, so that release date hopefully will actually happen.
Other than that, not much else going on. Brett started crawling a few weeks ago, now he is going really good at that. He can also sit up with no trouble and can pull himself up on things.
Also new recently, I did decide on the Scion xA as my next car. I ordered one and it will be in by the time my current lease is up on June 15th. Will be a step up from my current vehicle. It's a pretty similar size and engine and things. But this vehicle will have a built in Pioneer MP3 CD player with six speakers plus a subwoofer, power windows and locks, remote keyless entry, side airbags. Pretty much a ton of things my current car does not have. So, I am pretty excited about that, only a couple weeks to go for that.
I am going to end this post now though, as I started writing it about six days ago.

Your English Skills:

Spelling: 80%

Grammar: 60%

Punctuation: 40%

Vocabulary: 20%

Does Your English Cut the Mustard?

You Will Die at Age 70

70 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.

What Age Will You Die?

American Cities That Best Fit You:

70% Austin

65% Atlanta

65% Miami

65% San Diego

60% Honolulu

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

You Are 35% Normal (Occasionally Normal)

You sure do march to your own beat... But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all You think on a totally different wavelength And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How Normal Are You?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Logical-Mathematical Intelligence

You are great at finding patterns and relationships between things. Always curious about how things work, you love to set up experiments. You need for the world to make sense - and are good at making sense of it. You have a head for numbers and math ... and you can solve almost any logic puzzle. You would make a great scientist, engineer, computer programmer, researcher, accountant, or mathematician.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

My next car may be the Scion xA. I had a test drive of this car on Saturday. I like it a lot. Drives almost exactly like my Toyota Echo, yet with a bit more kick to it. This likely due to the fact that it's running the same engine and under the hood it's pretty similar to my Echo. But, it has a smarter system that makes it drive a bit better, though the gas mileage is quite as good as the Echo. Still not bad though. I have been looking at a number of cars recently. I looked at the Pontiac Vibe, but, while not priced too highly, it's cost more than my current car, as was the priciest of all the cars I have so far looked at. I then looked at the Chevy Cobalt as I think that looks somewhat stylish and is the latest car from Chevy at a good price. Looking at the interior, I quickly changed my mind. Reminded me of a Corsica from the 80's. Just a really boring and plain interior. The outside looks nice, but I'm going to be sitting inside that thing for the next few years. So, that went off the list quickly. While I was at the Chevy dealer, I looked at the Chevy Aveo. Previously, I had not considered this as it looked way too small. But, looking at the inside, it seemed big enough and actually looked fairly nice inside. Took that car for a test drive, but the car just could do anything. I had trouble getting on the highway. I ended up with the pedal all the way to the floor, and the car not really making any effort to accelerate. That car is now also off my list.
The Scion xA is priced very nicely, even with all the standard features that my Echo doesn't have, such as CD player, power windows and locks, and a clock. To top that off, I can add a security system, key less entry, side airbags, and a subwoofer, and the car is about $30 a month less than I pay for my Echo. I currently lease the Echo, but I can buy this car for less. To top that off, I researched the insurance rates, it looks like the Scion cost less for insurance.
Like I was mentioning before, I took the Scion for a test drive on Saturday. I need to get back with the dealer soon as I need to get the order put in for the features that I want. He said it would take a couple of weeks to have the car ready. After that, I may actually have the car. My current lease doesn't end until June 15th, but the dealer said that he would be more than willing to buy out the lease early as it is only around $6300 to buy out the car, and he said due to recent demand for the Echo, he could sell it for $9000. Of course, he is making out quite nicely, and I would be getting out of my lease early, so everyone wins. Also funny, when I was taking the test drive, I got pulled over by a cop. Apparently, the dealer plate fell off of the car. Was slightly nervous at the time, especially when the cop started asking how did he know we didn't steal the car as there was no plates, registration, or insurance. The dealer didn't have a good answer and neither did I. Fortunately, I had his business card on me as the cop asked for that as proof, and the dealer didn't have one on him.
So, as of right now, I think I will be going for this car, unless I find a good reason not too within the next week.

Neil keeps doing these, so I keep getting curious what my results are.

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

20% Upper Midwestern

5% Midwestern

5% Yankee

0% Dixie

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated. You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Who's Your Inner European?

You Are 28 Years Old

28 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Just an update on what's going on. Basicly, not much. Haven't really had anything to post about since everything has just the same 'ol stuff happening. Hailey's getting big, finally is saying mama now. She can say just about everyones name, but would never say mama. She actually has a pretty big vocabulary now and is putting together a number of sentences. She's been saying "thank you" for a while, but now she is starting to say "please" too. Brett's getting big, over 15 pounds now. He is starting to roll over by himself.
But, that's about it, work has been busy, there will be some big changes happening in the near future that will make my job ten times better than it currently is. I just hope I don't lose it cause that is also a good possibilty.

Tommorrow morning, I am having my first ever surgical procedure performed on me. Yes, I am 23 and have never needed any type of surgury. I guess I should be happy that I have been so healthy. Actually, I am not in need if surgury still. This is just a want. I am having a vasectomy performed.  Not that I don't love my kids, I just can't be taking care of a whole load of them.  I want to be able to focus on giving them a good life, and since I have both a girl and a boy, what else could I want.  So, wish me good luck.  I will be online all weekend since I have been told to sit and do nothing.  So, I will be taking full advantage of my laptop and Tivo over the next few days.

Which File Extension are You?

Doesn't really seem to be me, but, whatever.

You are George Costanza - Jerry's paranoid best friend. Elaine Benes describes you as "a short guy with glasses...looks like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat."

Which character are you? Find out at Starlocity.com!

You're an Etch-a-Sketch!! You're the creative,
artsy type who doesn't need to actually utilize
a single muscle group in order to have fun.
Doesn't matter though, you're still cool.

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?

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Would you have been friends with Adolf Hitler? Dummkopf Hitler hates you. Even from his grave, he is sending you hate rays.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Dang, even hating me from the grave, that's deep.

Which OS are You?

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I have been thinking a lot recently about what kind will be my next purchase. I still have quite some time to think about this since the lease on my current car won't be up until June of next year. I bought my 2001 Toyota Echo on a four year lease. It's a pretty good car, but I think I should be able to get an even better car for the same money I paid for that one. I bought it in June of 2001, and after Sept. 11 that year, with the economy going to crap, there have been TON better deals on cars. I have still seen deals much better than I remember back when I bought my Echo. Anyways, I really am having some trouble deciding what to get. I am a slacker, so I would like to be prepared once that June '05 date comes around. I won't be able to take my time then as I will need to have a replacement car ready to go. I saw my current dream car in pictures of the most recent Detroit Auto Show. The Nissan Actic. Though only a concept car, if this came out, it would be pretty cool. Looks a bit different, but it's kinda like something you might see in a movie of the future, like A.I.. Here are a few highlight's about this car that I like:

"The IT system boasts a 100-gigabyte memory and a portable wireless hard drive. The LCD roof panels provide the ability to use visual displays to change the “interior environment.” The Actic is the future contained in a rounded silver pod."
From North American International Auto Show website.

"Actic provides nearly unlimited opportunities for its users to explore and challenge the relationship between exterior and interior environments and to introduce elements of personalization by projecting video displays on a series of six roof-mounted flat LCD screens."
From NAIAS 2004 Highlights: Nissan Actic Concept.

Other than that, there are a few other cars currently on the market that I am looking at. I have kind of been thinking about the 'modern stationwagon' look of the Toyota Matrix and the Pontiac Vibe. I would probably go with the Pontiac though as my Dad works for GM and I get a discount for buying those cars. Another car that I like is the Mazda3. It's a sporty looking car with some nice features. I have also somewhat considered the Saturn Ion (another GM car) but I still have to look more into that. My mother-in-law just bought a brand new Hyundai, but not sure what kind. It was really nice with power everything, a power sunroof, and keyless entry. They were able to talk the price down to under $12,000. So far, these are the cars I am considering. I have also heard some commercials on the radio for Sundance (a somewhat local dealership) having Chevy Malibu's for like $190 a month and Grand Prix's for $220 a month. Those are some nice car's and for prices like that it might be worth checking out.

I haven't been to many states really, and Illinois and Missouri hardly count since the highway on the way to Texas just barely passes through them. I'd make a world map, but other than these few states I visited, I have only gone to Canada once, and that was for about 15 minutes.

create your own visited states map.

I'd say I didn't do too bad on this test. I think this is saying I am lustful, but damn, I'm a human, what can you do!
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Mmm, I am Lemon Flavored. I am bitter and twisted. Expect from me acerbic humour and sharp commentary. While I may seem nasty at first, I'm actually quite good company if I like you, so long as you don't mind a bit of cutting to the chase. What Flavour Are You?

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
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You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Actually, this is a post about nothing. Just thoughts. I'm supposed to be starting a job at CoreComm in East Lansing pretty soon. Actually, I was hoping to have already started it. A guy I know, Brian Oakley works there, and he is helping me get in. I have already had both required interviews, and Brian said there was supposed to be a job opening near the end of October/beginning of November. Turns out it didn't happen. I am now just waiting at the top of the list for the next opening they have in the tech support department. I can not wait though. Seems the bullshit that is McDonald's keeps piling up more and more each day. You would think mice are running that place. They might as well be. Nothing makes any sense around there and I think a group of 4-5 good mice could do a better job. It's almost embarrassing to be on the management staff there. At least I don't have any actually power around there. Things would be much different if that were true. The place would be run like at actual business with profit in mind, not a fucking kindergarten classroom. If the owner Joe Fix knew half of what went on there, he would go on a firing frenzy.
Well, I feel a little better letting that out now. Have a nice day everyone!!

My birthday is now over. It was a fine day. Not a whole lot went on. I had to work, so I couldn't go out and do anything. Nickcole did get me the movie T3 on DVD which is pretty cool. It's a great movie. She even made me a cake which I brought to work to share with them and everyone loved it.
Well, that's all for now.

I don't know why, but the last to weeks I have just felt like shit. Last Tuesday, I called into work sick, the first time I have done so in the last three years. I slept almost 20 hours that day. After that I felt pretty good for a couple of days. Now I'm back to feeling like crap again. I have been on a constant stream of aspirin that soon I will have no stomach lining left. I am thinking it's some kind of flu, so there isn't much the doctor can do, so I see no reason going there. Oh, well. I hope I start to feel better because it is a pain to get up early in the morning to feed Hailey when I am not feeling well.

Well, I've been extremly lazy updating this journal. A lot has happened in the last month that I didn't do any updates. I will just let all that pass as trying to catch up will only make me not want to type anything at all. Today I reserved the new game coming out for Gamecube, Mario Kart: Double Dash. I'm sure it will be great. I still play the SNES version of Mario Kart all the time. I also rented F-Zero for the Gamecube today, and OMG!!! The graphics are amazing. It almost feels like you are really driving at hundreds of miles per hour. The framerates are unreal. And the lighting and course designs have a lot of detail put into them. If you want to play a game that is not only fun, but can blow you away visually at the same time, I'd recommend this one.

I now have my spam under control. I have pretty much just been every day deleting all my spam one by one, and had a few filters set to look for a couple of keywords that I get all the time (basically Viagra, and Enlargement). But, now the e-mails have those spelt funny (such as V.i.a.g.r.a. or Vaigra). So they miss the filters. Plus, I get tons of other mail anyway. Now I have a real tool, and it works with my e-mail app. I see many tools for Outlook and Outlook Express, but I am using the Opera M2 e-mail app that's included in the Opera browser. I'm using POPFile which is an open source app. It's called a bayesian filter which means it uses bayesian logic. It pretty much means it's a learning filter. At first, it doesn't do a very good job, but after only a day of use, it's already working with over 90% accuracy.
Every time you get mail, it takes a record of the mail and categorizes it as either good or bad. You can set it so if it is spam, it will change the e-mail header to say [spam] at the beginning. That way, you can set a filter in your e-mail program to move spam to a separate folder.
If the program categorizes the mail wrong, you go into the app and recatagorize it. The program is then better able to determine what type of mail should go where. The more you have to recatagorize the mail, the better it gets in the future.
Some more details on the working of this app. It acts as a proxy server, so you have to change your e-mail settings in your mail client to point to your own machine (i.e. use IP address 127.0.0.1, or use the name localhost)
To actually access the app, it uses a web style interface that you access through your browser. You can access this by going to http://localhost:8080. Once you go there, you can change all your settings and reclassify your mail.
I have a feeling by the end of the week, this app will have my mail up to 99% accurate. This will be very nice as my mailbox was getting very messy there for a while.

I'm working on a photo gallery for pics of Hailey. It should be up soon. I already have the software installed on the webserver and there are a few pics uploaded. I still have to design the page layouts and such though, and get some more pics added. Then I'll hand out the URL.

Haven't been doing much else recently. Been looking at getting a new cell phone. I really want the Nokia 3650. It's got all the latest features in cell phones. Will also play very nicely with the Clie NX!! Here's a random pic I just saw on the Internet. Has nothing to do with anything, but shows a true American redneck!

Actually, pic no longer available

Today is my day back from vacation. Ahh, so depressing. It was really nice to stay at home with Nickcole and Hailey for a week.
Plus, Nickcole is buying a new car today. A 2003 Chevy Caviler. Her Malibu is about to die, so it's time to get a new car. The tires all need to be replaced, the engine has an intake value leak, the brakes are bad and need to be replaced, and the wheel bearings are also going bad. I figure it's best just to get a new car than to invest a bunch of money into that junker. Plus, they are doing some great deals to get rid of the 2003 models. After rebates, my dads GM family discount, and a deal they have for families that own foreign vehicles (I drive a Toyota), the total price for the brand new car was just above $11,000!

I did it. Shaved the moustache, dyed the hair. The moustache-lessness makes me look like a kid again, and the hair color I'm not so sure about. It is more red than I thought it would be. I probably will have to get used to it. Maybe I will like it eventually. Always fun to try new things!

Today, I have decided on a new look for myself. Since I'm on vacation, I figured it would be a great time to experiment in case I screwed something up! Just got done shaving off my moustache, which is something I haven't done in over 4 years. And last time I did it, I was told by many that I should let it grow back since I looked better with it. But, now I'm 21 and most people I work with think I'm 25-27. When I was 16, I thought it was cool that people thought I was 18 or 21, but now I'm not so fond of looking older. I guess it's not really all that bad, but without the moustache, I look more my age, and I just would like to see how that works. Also, I have some hair dye, and I'm going to lighten my hair color. That ought to be interesting. I've had blonde highlights once and I liked it, but this time I'm going to recolor all of my hair to a lighter shade. Not quite blonde, but 'sandstorm'.

Saw Terminator 3 tonight! I've been waiting about 12 years to see this movie, and I think it was worth it. I also got to see Zoolander again today since my friend Neil Vitale loaned me the DVD. It's one of my favorite movies and it's funny every time I see it.
Anyhow's, T3 really expanded on the Terminator series, and it seemed to be very true to the story. Takes place about 10 years after T2, and is full of a lot of action. Some of the best action scenes I have seen. Arnold is back, and he seems to play a darker Terminator is this movie compared to T2. He seems to be a bit more like the Terminator from the first movie. One thing I can say, is the movie is non-stop. The movie was coming to an end, and it was about an hour and a half through, but it felt like it went very quick. I don't think there was one scene that dragged out. T2, had some scenes where they would be driving in the car, or at a couple of different places hiding out, but this movie had everyone on the move, doing something non-stop. The only thing was, the end really made you feel like you only saw half of a movie. I know T4 is supposed to be out next year, but it's going to be a long wait. I wouldn't say the ending is necessarily bad, it does clear up a lot of things, and make much of the movie fulfilling, but at the same time, you feel like you want something more.