Cameron's Thoughts

Yesterday I finally got hotel reservations setup for my trip to Mackinac Island this summer. I haven't taken any vacations anywhere in years and decided I should finally get around to doing that. I remember Mackinac Island being a fun place to go when I was younger, so I thought it would be a great place to take the kids. Got a nice room with lake-front view setup at the Clarion Hotel in Mackinaw City. Also purchased a package with ferry rides to the island, entrance to an indoor waterpark near the hotel, carriage tour on the island, and a ton of other stuff. Also plan to go across the bridge at some point, not sure what we'll do on the other side, but we will figure that out when we get there.

So, on Thursday, I finally went to see a doctor. But, this actually has nothing at all to do with my previous posts about seeing a doctor. I went to see a chiropractor. All week, my back had been killing me, and it was getting worse and worse. I wasn't sleeping well as I was waking up every 30-40 minutes in pain. I wasn't able to work very well as I couldn't sit or stand still for long periods of time and was just generally exhausted. It also sucked as I hadn't been on the computer much lately as I didn't even feel comfortable sitting at home in front of the computer for more than short periods of time. Thankfully, Kim is an awesome friend and realizes that I was going to put off seeing the doctor as long as possible, so she just found a doctor and scheduled me an appointment. I have now seen the doctor twice and it is amazing the difference it makes. I seen a chiropractor back in Charlotte about 5 years ago and had similar results. I only stopped going then because the insurance ran out. This time around, my insurance is very strange and this is going to cost me a ton at first. It's worth it though, as my back being out of alignment pretty much throws the rest of myself off and makes life miserable.

So, I have finally decided to go see a doctor. This is kinda major, as I have a distrust for doctors and the medical profession in general. A couple days ago, I had some more issues with depression, and this was worse than I have ever experienced. I realize at this point that I can no longer control this myself and I may need some counseling or drugs, or both. Additionally, sorry to anyone that I have been an ass to in the last couple of days.

I've begun to realize that my mind is really mostly in control of itself and just kind of does it's own thing. I am now to the point where I have mostly gotten away from depression (I am worlds better than I was a year ago), but it still pops up from time to time. And the odd thing is, it's often when I should otherwise be in a really good mood. Today was somewhat not a good example of this. I was really depressed pretty much all day long, and there was certainly a trigger that caused it to happen. Basically, I was left a message on my phone that was very misleading and it panicked me. I later found out what the message was really about and I should have been able to move on with my day no worries, but I wasn't able to. All day long my mind was wondering and I really couldn't focus on anything. I really don't think I got much done, and I feel bad for my co-workers if that is the case. What bothers me the most though is that I could not snap myself out of this. No matter what I told myself to try and make things better, it just didn't matter. Consciously, I knew I was fine, but subconsciously, I was a mess.
Anyhow, I now feel better once again, and I also am glad that I have gained much more confidence about myself in the last year or so. If anything, I think that has mostly helped me overcome my mental issues I have experienced. People who read this would probably noticed that I never wrote about these types of issues a while back, but that was because I kept it between myself and a couple of really close people that I trusted. Actually, only two people knew about any of this until recently, even most of my close friends did not. Anyhow, I now am to the point where I feel that either you can know this about me and be understanding, or I really don't care much about you. So, if anyone was wondering why I may have not seemed like myself today, this is why. I don't want any pity or sorrow from anybody, so please don't think that's why I am writing this. I just think that writing about it is another way I can try and get past these issues. I hope one day I can look back at this post and be glad it's over.