Cameron's Thoughts

This is the first of two movies Best Little Ever made this summer. This was shot for the 48/5 contest for the East Lansing Film Festival. The movie was written, filmed and edited between 7pm on July 11th and 7pm July 13th. I play a minor acting role in this movie as a bank robber.

The last week now seems like a hazy memory. I was really sick and not even sure if I'm still fully recovered. My stomach was in so much pain, I think my mind was basically wiped much of it all out of my mind. I am so out of it now as I don't seem to have a good concept of the time that has passed. It didn't help that I missed over two days of work last week. I woke up nauseated still this morning. This all started on Thursday. I started taking a new medication, Lexapro. I think it somehow damaged my stomach. I'm pretty sure all the pain was caused by bleeding as I was shitting this thick black tar-like stuff for the first couple days. Lets just say that I only took it once and that was enough. And the experience has once again fueled my dislike of doctors. I called to get something for the nausea, 24 hours later I ended up just requesting to get switched back to my old medication. It took five or six calls to the doctor to get this taken care of. They didn't seem to worried that I was in massive pain. I don't know what I'm going to do, I can't keep depending on these doctors. So, I am back on the buspar, but still on the 10mg that I was on before, so the effectiveness is kind of lacking. It's better than nothing though. Of course, this all happened during a fairly busy week. I was going to finally meet my friend Sarah for the first time in person Thursday night. We were going to see the movie that the production group I am in, Best Little Ever, created for the 48 Hour Film Project last weekend. It was showing in Royal Oak along with the other 25 (I think) teams. I didn't make that as I instead left work early and somehow made it home. Then Friday night was Rachael's party at her new apartment. I still ended up going to that even though I wasn't feeling that well. I started to feel somewhat better, but that went downhill as the night went on. This is probably the first time I've ever gone to a party and not drank. That was a bit unusual. None the less, I got to spend time with Rachael, so I enjoyed myself as best as I could. While I'm on that topic, meeting Rachael is one of best things that has happened to me in a while. Through all the depression and my mind going through the turbulence of emotion, she always makes me cheerful and happy. We seem to be on the same wavelength, and anyone that knows me knows that I don't easily find people that are like that. So, thankfully I got to spend a lot of time with her over the last week, and that I do remember clearly. Right now I am listening to Through Glass by Stone Sour. I have listened to this a lot lately. It's much how I feel about myself. This post has once again gone in very random directions like I often do. I think I have said all I have to say for now. I was going to make a post a few nights ago, but I broke the login system, so I couldn't login to make the post. Doh. At least that's working again.

I think life is starting to work itself out now. I'm beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I hope it approaches sooner rather than later, as stress and depression seem to be causing physical side effects and are starting to affect parts of my life and social interactions. I'm not sure how this medication is working anymore. I think maybe it needs to be upped in dose or something. At first, I could really feel when it kicked in, like I would be totally out of it for a few minutes, then feel great. Now, I don't really feel anything special when I take it, and though it still does relieve anxiety attacks, the effectiveness isn't lasting very long. After around 5 hours, I will often already being to start feeling anxiety issues. It basically seems that I have to keep taking the pills now, it's no longer optional and if I don't, I'm screwed. Yesterday, I didn't have my pills on my most the day and I was getting really shaky and worried things were going to go really bad if I didn't get to my car soon. I don't like to be dependent on something, yet that's how I feel now. I can't go to work without the pills, I can't go anywhere for more than a few hours without taking them with me. I also fear that I won't get to a doctor in time for a refill.

Today has been one of the most rough days for me in a while. Things for me are starting to look pretty grim. People keep telling me, "Don't worry, things will get better." I keep waiting for that, but I don't really see it happening. Things actually just keep getting worse. And on top of that, the people that I care about keep abandoning me when I need them the most. I'm starting to think I will just give up on my current friends as they seem like they don't really care and that's really causing me more pain than anything else. I guess I also feel like I am a typically giving person, and right now when I feel like I need someone, the only people that I can talk to are people I barely know. Maybe I am really just very ignorant and the people that I think are my close friends, don't really feel the same in return. I suppose I've never really considered that the people I care about don't really care much about me. I always assume the best in people, and that's probably my biggest downfall. None of this probably makes sense to anyone, and that's okay. I do want to thank Rachael and Cristi and Sarah. You guys have provided me with amazing support and make me feel like there is someone out there you cares. I don't really know any of you guys that well, but I would like to change that in the future.

After having to deal with rescheduling my jury duty, it turns out that I will never even have to step into court. Each day I've called in and they have never needed jurors. Today when I called, they said they didn't need jurors tomorrow and confirmed that the court would be closed Friday and my jury service is complete. So, that's cool I never have to go in, though at the same time I was kind of interested in being part of the justice process.